The Top 10 Worst Movie Tie-In Foods

To celebrate the release of CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS 2 on Blu-ray and DVD today, here’s a feature breaking down our Top 10 worst movie tie-in foods. Enjoy! 

You may have heard of a film called CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS. It is a very good film. You may have also heard that a sequel suffixed with the number ‘2’ is coming to UK cinemas very soon. Perhaps you have even heard that, to market said sequel, Sony Pictures Animation toured the US with ‘foodimobile’ trucks selling meals based on the monstrous ‘foodimal’ characters from the film (we wrote about it here). Partnered with food companies including Subway, the trucks offered fun and healthy meals alongside the recipes for children to make them at home.

Considering CLOUDY’s food focus, I would say that advertising the film with real food that audiences can tuck into is a rather ingenious ploy. It’s like when they promoted the 2004 YU-GI-OH! movie with a bunch of special trading cards. Didn’t see that film? Me neither. Did I buy the cards? You betcha.

For some reason, however, film companies have forced food-based marketing since time immemorial (citation needed), to varying degrees of success and failure. Making rubbish food tie-ins that inevitably kids will buy is an easy way for them to get their hands on some extra moolah. It should be no surprise, then, that most of them suck.

So, to celebrate the upcoming release of CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS 2, I present to you our Top 10 examples of edible advertising that just weren’t as good as selling ‘tacodiles’ from a nice big truck.

Warning: this article may make you cry. Nothing can truly prepare you for what follows.

NUMBER 10: C3POs

‘Now it’s here! The excitement! The adventure of a new force at breakfast!

“We’ll call them…

C3POs”.’

I suppose it was inevitable. ‘C3PO’ sounds ever so slightly like ‘Cheerio’, so some bright spark at Kellogg’s decided it would be a brilliant idea to create a ‘new’ variety of Cheerios in which the little Os are inexplicably joined together to make a new shape reminiscent of the number 8. What does the number 8 have to do with C3PO? Nothing. What do Cheerios, or cereal in general, have to do with STAR WARS? Nada. Can eating cereal be described as exciting, or likened to being on an adventure? Nope. Is this a good idea? To quote Darth Vader: ‘NOOOOooooooooooooooo…’

The Verdict: minimal effort, minimal logic, minimal taste.

NUMBER 9: INDIANA JONES FROSTED MINI WHEATS: STRAWBERRY DELIGHT

Remember that classic scene in RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK in which the famed archaeologist eats a bowl of Strawberry Delight-flavour frosted Mini Wheats? I don’t, but it seems like our innovative friends at Kellogg’s do. In a futile and ridiculous attempt to sell the INDIANA JONES franchise, they have plastered Dr Jones’ face on the front of some Shredded Wheat spin-off. The relevance of the advertising here is nil. That’s even worse than the C3POs. Let’s just hope they don’t contain monkey brains or baby snakes.

The Verdict: the sugary pinnacle of wheaty laziness.

NUMBER 8: THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN DOUGHNUTS

One day Krispy Kreme asked the question ‘what do kids want to eat?’ and the answer was ‘Spider-Man’s face’. Well, doughnuts are round and Spider-Man’s face is kind of round too. It seems obvious then that the mask of Peter Parker’s alter-ego should be applied with icing to doughnuts so that the friendly neighbourhood hero’s young fans can gnaw on his face. This is another example of plain laziness, the difference here being that the product’s consumers are essentially role-playing at cannibalism.

The Verdict: never eat your heroes.

NUMBER 7: HARRY POTTER ‘MAKE AND BAKE’ PANCAKE KIT

I have occasionally pondered on the problems that may arise from a wizarding student not attending normal school and therefore not learning about important real world matters. One of these problems is apparently holding the misconception that pancakes are baked.

Like the Jones Wheats, this pancake kit, incorrectly labeled ‘Make and Bake’, is another sorry example of a famous face being put on a completely random and unrelated product. Did anyone really think that someone unfamiliar with the boy wizard would make (but not bake) some pancakes and subsequently decide they fancy checking out the film because of the food’s quality (or, more realistically, lack thereof)? Or, even more worryingly, that someone would watch HARRY POTTER and then feel obliged to purchase the pancake kit?

The Verdict: I don’t even know.

NUMBER 6: STAR TREK WAFFLES

‘Beam me up, Scotty. I appear to be stuck in syrup.’

Yep, it’s Kellogg’s again and this time they’re promoting the 2009 Star Trek film. How? Waffles with pictures on them. Actual food with actual images printed onto it. Ever wanted to eat a planet or cut Spock’s head off with a knife? These waffles let you achieve those dreams.

Once again, I am baffled by the thought processes that led to this monster being birthed. The whole idea of having pictures on your breakfast is not something I can say that I’ve ever desired. Also, irritatingly, this is the second product on this list being described as an ‘adventure’. But kids will no doubt find it amusing for all of two minutes, so I suppose that, in an abominable and unforgivable way, Kellogg’s have succeeded.

The Verdict: over 25 different images, 8 cheap waffles, 1 naff product.

NUMBER 5: DARTH VADER TOASTER

Okay, so this one isn’t technically a food, but I feel it is more than deserving of a spot on this list of degenerates. Everyone loves a nice slice of toast, especially when it’s burnt black. So, the makers of this STAR WARS-themed toaster have WAIT, NO, NO ONE LOVES BURNT TOAST. Apparently these guys didn’t know that. This toaster literally burns an image of the sith lord’s helmeted head onto every piece of toast and, even worse, it doesn’t appear to cook the rest of the slice that well either. So what you’re getting is toast that’s uncooked on the outside and burnt horribly in the middle, just for the novelty of seeing Darth Vader’s face on it. Worth it? I think not.

The Verdict: this is why they call it the Dark Side.

NUMBER 4: ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES CEREAL

The third cereal on the list and it isn’t made by Kellogg’s. This official product was created by Ralston in 1991 for the Kevin Costner film ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES and the gimmick is that each piece is shaped like an arrow. Now, I see two problems with this.

First is a more personal issue. I recently cut my mouth on a piece of supermarket knock-off Krave, bad enough to make it bleed. This is true. Considering such an injury is indeed a threat, albeit a rather rare occurrence, then forming a cereal into the shape of a weapon designed to maim and kill isn’t the most fantastic idea.

Secondly, they don’t look like arrows, they look like willies. Good job, Ralston.

The Verdict: I believe I don’t need to say anything.

NUMBER 3: JAR-JAR BINKS TONGUE POP

‘Isn’t THE PHANTOM MENACE a masterpiece? Jar-Jar Binks is such a great character! I would love to suck on his tongue!’

These are three statements that have never been uttered by anyone, anywhere, ever. Why the people who made this infernal device thought it would be a good idea to produce a lollipop that looks like Jar-Jar’s tongue will forever be one of the unanswered questions of the universe. A potential candidate for most hideous thing to exist, every remaining copy of this should be disposed of in the deepest part of the ocean. Alternatively, a volcano.

The Verdict: meesa think this is an abomination, okeeday?

NUMBER 2: DANIEL CRAIG 007 ICE LOLLY

It was tough deciding whether this should be lower or higher on the list than Jar-Jar but in the end I had to give the number two spot to this disturbing ice lolly. Daniel Craig naked from the waist up on a stick isn’t a good idea on paper and it certainly isn’t a good idea in practice. Besides the fact that its colouring already gives it a demonic vibe, I am too terrified to imagine what 007’s body would look like when it’s a bit nibbled and has begun to melt. No one in the world should have to lay eyes on such a thing, let alone put it in their mouth.

The Verdict: I am shaken with disgust and stirred into wanting to destroy this foul beast.

And finally…

NUMBER 1: DARK VADOR

Oh, the sheer horror.

This burger was created by European fast food chain Quick to tie-in with the re-release of THE PHANTOM MENACE in 3D. Despite the fact that the evil Darth Vader does not feature in the film (though his innocent child self does), Quick decided to make a burger based on that character and thought that the best way to do so would be to put it in a black bun. A BLACK BUN. This is something which had never been done before and hasn’t been done since for very good reasons. Would anyone want to eat a burger in a jet black bun? The fact that it hardly sold at all seems to answer that question very well. What’s sad is that the filling actually looks pretty damn good, but it’s ruined by bread that looks like it has long passed its best-before date.

The Verdict: a worse idea than midi-chlorians.

And with that, we come to the end. You have just witnessed ten of the worst move tie-in foods ever created. If I have upset anyone, I really am sorry, but be assured in the knowledge that Sony Pictures Animation are doing it right and they’re doing it well. I don’t know about you, but I could kill for a subwhale right now.

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS 2 stars Bill Hader, Anna Faris, James Caan, Andy Samberg, Neil Patrick Harris, Benjamin Bratt, Terry Crews, Will Forte and Kristen Schaal. Read our Blu-ray review here.