Director: Lasse Hallström.
Starring: Julianne Hough, Josh Duhamel, Cobie Smulders, David Lyons.
Running Time: 115 minutes.
Certificate: 12A.
Synopsis: Katie (Hough) wants to start a new life in Southport, North Carolina, and begins to do just that when she forms a bond with a handsome young widower (Duhamel). However, as their relationship blossoms, she is forced to deal with the dark secrets from her previous life.
How many times can a girl with a mysterious past move to a new town before it becomes arse-shatteringly dull? This adaptation of Nicholas Sparks’ novel explores this very question and abruptly reaches the conclusion that said time has already passed. It seems this premise has now been completely plundered for all it is worth.
Katie meets the gorgeous Alex, who is sensitive, lovely, yet dashingly rugged – essentially he is perfection. Put it this way, if he were to stand next to any other man in the world, said man, no matter what his appearance, would immediately look like a withered turd with limbs. Alex has absolutely no discernible flaws, aside from the fact he is willing to risk his (and his family’s) life for Katie, who he’s known for about a week, despite knowing she lied about who she is. Some may call that romantic, but most would surely see it for the cynical pandering to vulnerable and lonely female audience members it clearly is. The female members of this particular audience certainly did, proven by their mocking laughter, which would erupt whenever he’d regurgitate a forced line of twee dialogue.
He isn’t the only one dimensional character, either. In fact, they all are. The bad guy (who doesn’t deserve reference because he is so utterly bland) never once strays from his relentless and morally corrupt path, to the point where you start to wonder how he finds the time to ooze so much hatred. There are criminals in prison for two hundred counts of murder you’d rather have an ice cream sundae with.
With a Nicholas Sparks (THE NOTEBOOK) novel being the source material, you’ll be prepared for a film that isn’t aimed at a male audience. It was bound to be mawkish at times, but this really is ridiculous. The script is an amalgamation of the most banal lines and scenarios from Hollywood’s history and is infused with a persistent lack of logic, consistency and believability. So much so that you suspect the crew and writers had a hefty wager on how many clichés they could cram in before they all began projectile vomiting.
SAFE HAVEN is so emphatically illogical and over-sentimentalised, that you’ll feel like rubbing wasabi into your eyes before hacking away at your ankles with a rusty handsaw. At least that might take away from the sense of immense emotional distress and betrayal you’ll probably feel if you expose yourself to this cloying guff.
SAFE HAVEN is released in UK cinemas on 1st March.
