Ride My Tail Anytime: Top Ten Movie Pilots

With RED TAILS whizzing into cinemas on the 6^th of June (you can read our review here), we at THN got to thinking, who are the best cinematic pilots? Come aboard as we count down the top ten magnificent men in their flying machines (they go up tiddly up up, you know).

10. Colm Meany off of DIE HARD 2 (1990)

Poor Colm, he doesn’t even get a name in this movie. His character, as well as all the others on the doomed ‘Windsor Airlines’ flight exist only to die at the hands of Col. Stuart (William Adler) in order to prove what a ruthless sod he is. Flying in from London, the devilish Stuart tricks our nameless pilot and his crew into the wrong trajectory, so they crash into the runway, which is just plane unfortunate (‘Ave’it!). We know they’re English, because his first line is ‘Dallas Approach, this is Windsor one-one-four. Where the DEVIL have you been?’ Because that’s what we say in Britain, isn’t it. I’m surprised the passengers weren’t having a right old knees up shouting ‘Cor blimey, John McClane! You’re missin’ a roight royal barrel’a monkeys!’ Anyway, they get blown up.

9. James Ubriacco

LOOK WHO’S TALKING franchise (1989 – 2003)

The second Bruce Willis film on our list features John Travolta as James Ubriacco, the taxi driving, aeroplane flying potential daddy to wise cracking baby Mikey. Ultimately forgettable, he deserves inclusion because Travolta himself is a real life pilot. Remember that bit in THE SIMPSONS when Travolta gave Mel Gibson a lift in his plane so Gibson would help him move home? Probably true. Don’t believe us? Check out this astonishing safety video from an unnamed airline (Qantas) where JT looks so peculiar, Xenu would flee in terror.

8. Capt. Steven Hiller 

INDEPENDENCE DAY (1996)

Special commendation must go to Captain Steven Hiller, the only pilot on our list to go into space, punch an alien in the face, and hang out with Jeff Goldblum (which is ace). Played with an easy charisma by Will Smith, this was one of three roles in three years (BAD BOYS 1995, MEN IN BLACK 1997) that propelled The Fresh Prince to megastardom. Hiller is an accomplished fighter pilot, managing to out-manoeuvre an alien hostile and insightful enough to fly a ship from another world. He gets a terrific quip as well, after laying the smackdown on the otherworldly menace, he lights a stogy and remarks, ‘Now that’s what I call a close encounter.’ Captain Hiller, we salute you.

7. Amelia Earhart

AMELIA and NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2 (2009)

The only woman on our list, and what a woman. Amelia Earhart was the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic. She became a trailblazer – setting records, writing best selling books, and inspiring women to become techies and aviators. In film, she was portrayed twice by Oscar-winning actresses in the year 2009. Most accurately by the brilliantly named Hilary Swank in the underwhelming but well intentioned AMELIA (2009), and more enjoyably by Amy Adams in NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN. She is something of an American icon, the only real person on this distinguished list and she even pops up in CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, in which she is one of the abductees who emerge from the mothership. Suck on that, Travolta.

6. Howling Mad Murdock

THE A-TEAM (2010)

Captain HM ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock is the aviation expert in THE A-TEAM and the most enjoyable component of Joe Carnahan’s big screen adaptation. A fearless and skilled pilot, his dexterity in the air is matched by his insanity, which combine to make him a dangerous man to be around. It is his unpredictable nature in the sky that gives BA Baracus his fear of flying. Sharlto Copley does a great job in the movie, but it is Dwight Schultz’s original performance in the TV show that’s so fondly remembered. With his trademark leather jacket and cap, he caused a lot of kids to grow up wanting to be pilots, though probably for the wrong reasons.

5. Launchpad McQuack

DUCKTALES THE MOVIE: TREASURE OF THE LOST LAMP (1990)

By far the worst pilot on the list, Launchpad is also the only duck. His mantra goes ‘If it has wings, I can crash it!’ Indeed, he is great once he’s up there, but landing seems to be a problem for poor Launchpad. The personal pilot of billionaire Scrooge McDuck and faithful friend to Huey, Dewey and Louis, he is brave and honest. What he lacks in landing skills, he makes up for in heart. Later he would leave the service of Scrooge and become the sidekick of Dark Wing Duck, plus he gets a song named after him in SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD. And THAT dear reader, is why Launchpad is on this list and Han Solo isn’t.

4. Sir Percy Ware-Armitage

THOSE MAGNIFICENT MEN IN THEIR FLYING MACHINES (1965)

A cad and a bounder of the first order, the fiendish Sir Percy Ware-Armitage is the unscrupulous aristocrat who, in his own words ‘Leaves nothing to chance.’ He and his long suffering man servant Courtney do whatever underhand tricks they can to sabotage the efforts of their competitors in the great air race, such as tampering with their planes and even drugging their foes. Combine this with this extravagant curly moustache, and he may remind you of someone. Dick Dastardly from WACKY RACES and CATCH THE PIGEON (I know that’s not the actual title, but it’s very long and I’m on the clock here) is primarily based on Sir Percy Ware-Armitage, and owes a great deal to the absolutely wonderful Terry Thomas who revels in playing such rogues. THOSE MAGNIFICENT MEN IN THEIR FLYING MACHINES was released in the same year as THE GREAT RACE, which features Jack Lemmon providing an equally brilliant and over the top villain with a similar moustache. THE GREAT RACE itself isn’t very good, but it’s worth watching for Lemmon, and MAGNIFICENT MEN is worth watching because it much better (mainly due to Thomas, that CAD!).

3. LT Pete “Maverick” Mitchell

TOP GUN (1986)

Do you feel the need? The need for speed? Then high-five me brother, as we celebrate the man whose ego constantly writes cheques that his body can’t cash. He’s tiny, he made Aviators FABULOUS and he’s a gay icon, whether he meant to be or not. He is Lt Pete Mitchell, known to his fellow Top Guns as Maverick because, as Ice Man points out, he’s dangerous. He’s a renegade, but golly can he fly. He also smacks a mean volleyball, as well as the hands and occasional buttocks of his fellow air dwellers. His main rival, Val Kilmer’s Ice Man, doesn’t like him, but DAMMIT he respects him. And their homoerotic subtext is just as memorable as Maverick’s mid-air acrobatics. This is best explained by Quentin Tarantino in 1994’s SLEEP WITH ME.

2. Captain Clarence Oveur 

AIRPLANE! (1980)

The pilot of the ill-fated trans-American flight 209 to Chicago (Roger, huh?), Captain Clarence Oveur is more than deserving to be so high on this list. He may not have been a trail blazer like Earhart, or a saved the world like Hiller, but he did do something even greater. He let a little boy named Joey into the cockpit of his plane. As the little tyke looks around in awe, the Captain asks, ‘You ever been in a cockpit before?’ Joey responds, excitedly, ‘No sir, I’ve never been up in a plane before!’ To which Oveur replies ‘Have you ever seen a grown man naked?’ It is this inquisitive nature that makes him such an endearing fellow, and his eventual food-poisoning all the more tragic. His fate is unknown (unless you count AIRPLANE II, which we don’t) but before he falls ill, he gets to ask little Joey more probing questions, such as ‘Do you like movies about gladiators?’ and ‘Have you ever been inside a Turkish prison?’

1. Squadron Leader Peter David Carter

A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH (1946)

One foggy night in 1945, RAF Squadron Leader Peter David Carter is returning from a mission. His crew have either bailed out or been killed, his Lancaster Bomber is on fire and he has no parachute. He is going to die and he knows it. He manages to get through to June, a radio operator based in England. They exchange pleasantries and are very cordial, but they both know he is about to die. He dictates a telegram, asking that June inform his mother that he loves her and is sorry for not expressing it enough. June is frightfully upset, but remains strong for this complete stranger who has accepted his fate and merely wants one final chat with a pretty girl (or as she describes herself, ‘not bad’). Carter says his goodbyes and, minus a parachute, leaps from his plane.

This is the opening sequence to one of the greatest British films in history. David Niven plays Carter while June is portrayed by Kim Hunter. It is an extraordinary scene which can be viewed below. You need not know the rest of the plot, because Niven’s (as well as Hunter’s) performance is so powerful that Carter flies to the very top of the list on the strength of this sequence alone.

We at THN strongly recommend you watch A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH, and after seeing the opening scene (one of the best ever) we think you may want to. We won’t spoil the rest of the plot, as it takes some very unexpected turns.

Having said that, did he have the physique of Launchpad McQuack? We suspect not.

RED TAILS arrives in UK cinemas 6^th June.