Ridiculous Rewrite: Dr Seuss To Adapt Fifty Shades Of Grey: Love Eggs And Ham *Contains Spoilers/Swearing*

With AMERICAN PSYCHO writer and all round arsehole Bret Easton Ellis officially out of the running to adapt f**k-filled-phenomenon FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, this leaves the path clear for the only screenwriter up to the job – Dr Seuss.

(NOT REALLY, by the way. This is a SPOOF article, COMPLETELY fictional and is meant just for fun. Well, Easton Ellis really is off the list, but everything else here is an utter lie. Now, shall we?)

Ever since THE GRINCH in 2000, the physician has seen a great deal of his work adapted, including HORTON HEARS A WHO! (2008), THE CAT IN THE HAT (2003), A SERBIAN FILM (2010) and the upcoming THE LORAX. However, this will be the good doctor’s first time adapting someone else’s writing. EL James has been a strong supporter of Seuss’ participation since her naughty novel had the rights scooped up by horny film makers. She went on Twitter to declare:

‘I’m so glad Dr Seuss is going to make my film! I couldn’t stand that Psycho c***.’

She censored the word which is presumably a veiled reference to Easton Ellis, it could either be ‘COCK’ or ‘CUNT,’ at this point we cannot be certain.

We at THN are privileged to have access to part of Seuss’ proposed screenplay. This is the pivotal scene where our virginal heroine Ana (or An-I-Am as he calls her) discusses the details of the contract with millionaire Andy Grey. And includes spoilers for the plot and some fruity language.

Ana:
Will you take me in the mouth?
Will you take me north or south?

Grey:
I will take you in the mouth,
I will take you north and south.
I will take you here and there,
I will take you anywhere!
I will take your purse of spam.
I will take you An-I-Am.

Ana:
Will you take me from behind?
Will you take me rough or kind?
Will you take me in the house?
Will you take me with a mouse?

Grey:
I will take you from behind,
I will take you rough AND kind.
I will take you in a house.
I won’t take you with a mouse though. Seriously, that’s fucked up.
I will take you here and there,
I will take you anywhere!
I will take your purse of spam.
I will take you An-I-Am.

Ana:
Make me use Love Eggs and Ham?
Blitz me like I’m Vietnam?
Will you hit me with some belts?
Treat me like Vanessa Feltz?

Grey:
I will hit you hard with belts.
Though maybe not Vanessa Feltz.
I’ll make you use Love Eggs and Ham,
I’ll blitz you like you’re Vietnam.
I’ll napalm your arse, make sure it hurts.
I’m Martin Sheen, you’re Col. Kurtz.
I will take your purse of Spam.
I will take you An-I-Am.

Ana:
Cheers Andy.

Grey:
It’s Christian.

Ana:
Shit!