Pulse
is yet another inferior remake of an atmospheric Japanese horror film. As a picture
featuring monsters being unleashed by a computer, it beats the shit out of the
ridiculous Stay Alive and the insipid FeardotCom. Having said that though, Pulse
still pretty much sucks balls. I thank the good Lord above that I attended this
screening late at night with some truly great friends (and a twelve pack of Corona).
Together, we made the evening a hell of a lot more entertaining than it had any
right to be through endless heckling and audience participation that would make
the best Rocky Horror Picture Show troop proud.
Pulse
features some crazy ass business about a hacker who inadvertently unleashes some
kind of an internet demonic force upon the world via a strange wireless signal.
Like a weird computer virus, these freaky cyber beings begin attacking college
coeds and – I quote Garth of Wayne's World fame– "sucking their
will to live."
Pulse
stars a handful of semi-recognizable TV talent including Kristen Bell (The 4400,
Veronica Mars) and Ian Somerhalder (Lost). Neither leads breathe much life into
the proceedings, but how the hell could they? The screenplay isn't exactly ripe
with depth. Even terrific character actor Ron Rifkin is wasted in this mess. Brad
Dourif (known to most genre fans as the voice of Chucky from the Child's Play
franchise) is perfectly creepy in a throwaway cameo, and I have to give props
to Kel O' Neill who hams it up as the eccentric Douglas Zieglar. This kid is a
riot. He seems to know he's in a big pile of dung so he flat out goes for it in
a manic, over the top turn that provides the film with it's biggest laughs.
While
Pulse appears to be tapping into somewhat original horror terrain, it does so
in completely uninspired fashion. It's all too obvious that director Jim Sonzero
is a fan of The Ring (also based on a famed Asian horror film). This is completely
evident by the overall style (or lack thereof) and tone of the film. The way these
cyber creatures move is some sort of half baked homage to the evil Samara in The
Ring films.
The
effects work in Pulse is piss weak to say the least. There's a nifty little sequence
toward the end of the picture in which the creatures attack a moving vehicle,
and I liked a somewhat creepy shot of the web-ghouls standing atop a tall building,
but for the most part, the visuals are lame and what's worse, the scenes in which
the creatures come into contact with humans, look completely ridiculous.
Seriously
folks, this film isn't scary in the slightest, and with a picture like The Descent
playing right now, there isn't much of a reason to see Pulse. Unless you want
to brush up on your audience participation skills.
There
is no tension or sense of foreboding in this movie. Furthermore, the PG-13 rating
limits any sort of potential this flick might have had. Translation? No gore and
no tits and ass! Ultimately, Pulse is a silly, nonsensical horror movie without
any kind of rhythm, although I must confess, I kind of liked the apocalyptic,
Terminator-style ending. The movie doesn't earn this particular ending, but I
was somewhat taken by surprise by it. It's nice and bleak, and I appreciated it
even though I don't know how the hell things escalated to that point.
Having
said all of this, this was one of the best times I've had during a shitty movie
in quite sometime, and I have to thank my good friends Bobi, Jared, Kameron, Scott,
Sheldon, Toni, and, of course, the Corona twelve pack for that. Had it not been
for them, Pulse would have flatlined.
