As
I was making my way to the screening room from the snack bar to catch a 7:00 P.M.
screening of the Hilary and Hayley Duff vehicle Material Girls, I couldn't help
but feel as though I was being watched. A sidelong glance confirmed my suspicion
as a few of the male theater employees were pointing at me and giggling. That's
right! These sons of bitches were clearly making fun of me because of my particular
film choice on this warm summer evening. What they didn't realize is that is was
the wife's turn to pick a movie. As I walked into the theater, I realized why
those douche bags were laughing at me. I was virtually the only dude in room packed
with tittering tweeners. I looked around and counted maybe two other guys in the
audience. Adding insult to injury, I don't think my wife was as much interested
in watching Material Girls as she was in having fun subjecting me to it.
If
that was the wife's motive she certainly got her money's morth, because Mrs. Material
Girls was an excruciating cinematic experience for me. Unmerciful torture. I know,
I know. I'm not exactly the film's target audience, but consider this. As I sat
through this boring, generic, ridiculous excuse of a movie, I noticed eight or
so tweeners walking out about forty five minutes in. Now if the tweeners are hitting
the exit, something is seriously wrong. After all, this movie was made specifically
for them.
Material
Girls features the sisters Duff as a couple of spoiled, clueless sibling teenagers
who are heiresses to their recently deceased father's cosmetics empire. When a
disastrous truth about the popular cosmetics line is brought forth to the American
public, it threatens to ruin their father's reputation, but more importantly,
it renders their massive dynasty bankrupt, thus forcing these two moronic fish
to see what it's like to be out of water.
One
evening, while watching Steven Soderbergh's Erin Brockovich of all things, these
determined nitwit sisters realize that there may be more to their company's demise
than meets the eye, so they decide to play sleuths Brockovich style, and set out
to clear their father's name and take back what rightfully belongs to them.
Good
Lord this movie is stupid. Stupid in ways that are beyond comprehension and defy
description. Taking its cues from the likes of Legally Blonde and Clueless (but
lacking the charm that made those films endearing) Material Girls flounders from
one awful scene to the next. I'm completely dumbfounded that a screenplay this
positively awful could actually see the greenlight of day. On the other hand,
Material Girls gives me hope as an aspiring film maker myself. If crap like this
can find it's way to the big screen, then perhaps I have a future in film. Hell,
our very own Boneman has two screenplays under his belt. The stunning rock n'
roll horror fable "Fan Club," and the brilliant camp classic "Night
of the Wombat." Both are leaps and bounds better than this nonsense.
The
sisters Duff look comfortable together, but since they're real life siblings,
that's no big surprise. Of the two, it is the older sister Haylie (you may remember
he as Summer in Napoleon Dynamite) who makes the bigger impression. I'm certainly
not suggesting that a film career sparkling with promise awaits her, but there
are a couple moments in the movie where she shows a knack for comic timing.
I
was amused by Brent Spiner's supporting turn as the man who handles the Duffs'
affairs. At one point in the movie, he even makes a sorely out of place reference
to Star Trek that, in any other flick, would have been completely stupid, but
here, it's downright clever.
Veteran
Anjelica Huston appears in Material Girls as the founder of a rival cosmetics
empire. She makes an earnest attempt at mirroring Meryl Streep's masterful work
in the obscenely overrated The Devil Wears Prada, but since there's zero depth
to this role, it pales in comparison.
There
are two other notable actors in Material Girls. Lukas Haas (the little boy from
Witness) shows up as a lawyer, and for what it's worth, his low key demeanor is
a breath of fresh air. Maria Conchita Alonso also appears as a maid who suddenly
finds herself caring for the girls she used to despise. While this once-sought-after-actress
lends a little heart to the undeserving proceedings, I must confess - I miss the
Alonso of the 80's. The one that appeared in kick ass fare like The Running Man.
Perhaps
the most disconcerting thing about Material Girls is the fact that it was directed
by Martha Coolidge. Coolidge directed Real Genius, one of the most entertaining
and underrated movies of the 80s and why she's chosen to waste her talent on such
shabby material is beyond me. Seriously, I don't even know why I invested this
much time in writing the review. Even tweeners would be advised to stay away.
Still, I would encourage aspiring film makers to see this movie to bolster their
morale. If junk like Material Girls can find funding, then there's hope for us
all.
