Dennis
Buckstead (Andrew Wilson) has the hardest calling in his ward (or congregation
- as Church Ball is attempting to be less Mormon-centric). Not only has he been
asked to coach a group of athletically-challenged basketball players in his congregation
but the bishop (the always entertaining Fred Willard) has made it clear that he
will settle for nothing less than championship caliber play. Word from the top
is that this is to be the last season of formal church ball competition and Bishop
Linderman isn't about to go down in church history as the most losing congregation
in church ball history! What begins with a prayer and is supposed to strengthen
the body, invigorate the mind and cultivate brotherly love, seems to end in hard
feelings, ugly behavior and often bloodshed. Due to a life-long grudge Dennis
accepts the calling and sets about righting some long-standing wrongs. Armed with
a rangle gangle group of shlubs who were never picked at recess in their lives,
he must try to rally their competitive spirit and hopefully recruit a few ringers
along the way. Can he bring it all together? Have you seen Hoosiers?
Let
me give you some background information, I live in Utah and am not of the LDS/Mormon
faith - even though I am familiar with it and I should confess that Church Ball
is one of a very few Mormon produced movies I've ever seen. There is a reason
I don’t see most of these movies and its not because I don't think they could
be any good, or that I’m worried they’ll be too preachy - it’s
simply because these films (mainly Kurt Hale’s Halestorm flicks) are produced
by, of and for the Mormons. They’re full of inside jokes and social scenarios
most non-members won’t be familiar with and thus won’t get or will not
relate to. Singles Ward, The R.M., Home Teachers - they’re not meant for
non-members - period. Sure if you’re like me and live around the Latter Day
folks you might pick up on some of it, but the majority of it isn’t likely
to hit home. So why did I see Church Ball? Simple, it’s because I have played
Church Ball, I know what it’s all about, so there was a pretty good chance
I’d enjoy it.
It’s
also been reported that Excel - the distribution company that promotes films by
LDS directors is making an effort to appeal to a broader, less Mormon-specific
audience. Which was evident in the casting choices, Fred Willard as the wacky
hyper-competitive Bishop, Andrew Wilson (older brother of Owen and Luke) Clint
Howard (Ron’s little brother) Gary Coleman - as well as a pretty much exclusively
professional cast. The main running gag is that Church Ball is such a major misnomer,
due to the fact that it tends to degenerate into the most hard-nosed, smashmouth
sporting event there is. It’s not about how you play the game, it’s
whether you win or lose. Church Ball is pretty much the equivalent of a pick-up
game in Baghdad. Unfortunately, like the jumpshooting skills of a loan officer,
the script is an awfully hit and miss affair.
Sadly
Church Ball shies away from portraying the game as the shameless hoop-hockey that
it really is, and though there are occasional laughs, alot of the humor was mostly
tired old sight gags, slapstick pratfalls and even a bit of the bathroom variety.
Beneath the patchy veneer of humor is the message of pulling together as a team,
reaching out to those disaffected, all played to the tune of every single sports
cliché imaginable. No underdog touchstone was left unturned. As effective
as lot of the performances turned out to be, it really is a shame that the script
wasn’t stronger. It’s not like we narrowly missed the Mormon Hoosiers
here, but having real actors makes a difference.
The
thrust of the story revolves around a rival congregation (I can’t get used
to that) Crystal Hills, who have put together championship clubs year in and year
out. And notching up the conflict is the fact that the Bracken brothers (Curt
Dousett and Larry Bagby) who have anchored the dynasty, happen to be old schoolmates
of Dennis’ who have tormented him as long as he can remember. Dennis thinks
he finally has their number when he manages to find an inactive member of the
church (former Utah Jazzman Thurl Bailey) but his dreams of recruiting the 7 footer
fall short as he is still embittered about some long-past Church Ball-related
incident. There are a few other NBA cameos - long-time voice of the Utah Jazz
Hot Rod Hundley pops up as well as All-time NBA scoring-leader and Airplane veteran
Kareem Abdul Jabbar - but both are miscast and under-used. Kareem could have been
sky-hooking over these cocky Bracken brothers, but is instead wasted in a role
the movie certainly could have done without - that of the sage and elderly soul
- doling out words of wisdom - Let It Be - a better film, come on. LA Laker to
Mud Laker . . . hello?
Unable
to land a ringer, and being a fairly mediocre player himself, Dennis has to work
with what he’s got. He manages to coax the diminutive Gary Coleman onto the
team (the joke here is that he has three tall and athletic sons that for some
reason don’t join the team). He certainly could have been better used - I
mean c’mon its freakin’ Gary Coleman, give him some mad basketball skills,
crazy hops that allow him to dunk on the evil Brackens - instead of the silly
joke of the midget with tall children. All in all, Church Ball is a badly wasted
opportunity. In non-Mormon hands the foul-mouthed Mud-Laker Mickey (Ross Buckley)
would have been hysterical with his dead-pan delivery. Alas his cuss-words are
bleeped out, which is an effect that works well in Arrested Development, but here
fell flat as far as I’m concerned. Hale also allows a few boring sub-plots
to waste our time and good Lord the musical montages? There must have been five
of them. (Montage is the French word for filling time when real ideas are in short
supply). I can’t say that I wasn’t mildly amused by Church Ball, but
I certainly wouldn’t give it a high five. More of a “low two” and
that’s comes from the charity stripe.
