The
other night at the cinema I stumbled across a sure-fire recipe for crap, feces,
dung, caca, doodle, doodie - so if you’re the kind of person who can’t
help rubbernecking when you pass a wreck on the freeway - enjoy! Before I proceed
I wanted to give props to the people who offered me a glimpse of this most reliable
formula. It came to me courtesy of Romar Entertainment (I have no idea who these
people are or where they come from, proably Romaina - but they certainly sound
evil - Romar!)
First
you start with a generous dollop of Uwe Boll (not to be confused with the perverse
and highly secretive yearly event of the same name, held by the Wyoming sheepherder’s
association - actually that one’s spelled Ewe Bowl). This Uwe Boll is the
famed director of video game-based films such as Alone in the Dark and House of
the Dead. (The latter considered by many as the worst film of the 21st century.
Boll is perhaps the most inspirational director now working. If studios are willing
to keep giving this guy 30 mill, then they'll give it to anybody - now that's
inspiration.)
Second
you throw him a script written my some broad named Guinevere (I swear I'm not
kidding) based on a video game about a half vampire woman who is the only being
in the world capable of ridding the earth of the evil Vampire King. This she manages
through the use of magical weapons just like those often seen in video-games -
Holy water bazookas, crucifix cross-bows - you know the drill.
Next
you hire actors with a whole in their schedule, who are willing to do pretty much
anything for a paycheck - you can count on Michael Madsen and Meat Loaf, but you
must employ witchcraft and voodoo to procure a big name actor of high quality
- in this case the spell worked on that Sexy Beast himself - Ben Kingsley.
Last
you throw in a lot of cheesy special effects and a lot of slow-motion horse-riding
al.a Lord of the Rings and plenty of soft core sex scenes where toothsome supplicants
writhe in unbridled passion to get a naked fang into some hapless sucker-to-be.
(Actually Boll hired real Romanian prostitutes for these scenes - bonus) And voile,
there you have it - Cinematic poop ( I borrowed that term from Leonard Maltin).
Bloodrayne a bonafide front-runner for the worst picture on 2006.
Do
you want to know something else that is even more scary. Uwe Boll has just been
tapped to direct three other film projects. NOOOOOOOooooooooo -
