Being
the father of precocious pre-tween daughters who have memorized the lines from
every tween-tastic show on the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon, it was fait accompli
(French for screwed) that I’d be taking in the latest fish-out-of-daughter
mermaid tale Aquamarine. Having become something of an authority on middle school
programming, I am a good judge of the quality of such fare and thus felt duly
compelled to be the one to take this bullet for the team. My wish for this one
to be some miraculous cross between Splash and Sponge Bob, did not come to pass,
but all in all, it wasn’t all that painful.
In
a clamshell the story takes place on some posh Florida beach club, where two inseparable
13 year old girls Claire (Emma Roberts) Hailey (Joanna JoJo Levesque) have just
learned the most heinous news imaginable. Turns out that Hailey’s mother
has accepted a job in Australia, and as the two friends have no intentions of
spitting up (together they’ve managed to survive the endless mocking condescension
meted out with witchy delight by the older and more developed girls around this
Barbie Playhouse of a pink and aquamarine world.) But how? Play Finding Nemo in
reverse? Naa too pat, been done to death. As the two mope about reeling from this
coup de grace of a tropical punch, the gods of fate step in. The resort is unexpectedly?
hit by a Hurricane (the friendly, politically correct kind that don’t cause
pop stars to go on television and declare that the President doesn’t care
about black people) The kind that blow over harmlessly and deposit a mermaid in
the swimming pool. Yo Snap!
I
think the overriding lesson I took away from Aquamarine is that now I know that
if you assist a mermaid in distress it entitles you to one wish (just so long
as it doesn’t violate the laws of nature) There’s always a catch with
fish. As Hailey and Claire are the first to discover the new girl in the pool
(her name is Aquamarine - Sara Paxton) they are quick to make her acquaintance
and listen to her heartrending tale. (They say the best way to forget your own
problems is to help someone out with theirs - and Aqua has a doozy) It seems that
when the Hurricane hit, Aqua was in the middle of running away from home. As we
learn, in Mer-world there is no such thing as love, or at least this is what her
mer-oldman has been trying to run up on her, to mollify her heartbreak at being
foresworn to wed a mer-fella for which she has no feelings. Alas, she is betrothed
to some sap of a sea-dweeb, yet she is the only one unhappy about it as the coupling
represents an advantageous circumstance for the parents involved - a good family
merger. Still Aqua knew there was something missing - something she’s heard
whispered across the waves. A crazy little thing called love.
So
convinced was her Father that love was nothing more than some soggy old myth,
he agrees to allow Aqua to choose her own Mer-mate if she can prove to him in
the three days left before her wedding that indeed love exists. Something like
that anyway. As a bonus for anyone willing to assist her in her quest for fire,
should they succeed they will be granted one wish, with the aforementioned fine
print restrictions. It’s not like you can just turn a pea into a bean. (
As the legend goes the reviewer who dares to use the most dated reference in a
movie made for 12 year olds gets a wish too - something like all the obscurity
they want - yo snap).
Taking
this material from an Alice Hoffman novel, screenwriters Jessica Bendinger (Bring
It On) and John Quaintance (TV’s Good Morning Miami) aren’t above a
little titillation to get a laugh, or to up the ante on the edginess of Tween-fare
- for example when the gals learn of the wish deal Claire casually inquires “if
Aqua can make boobs come out of hiding?” This got a laugh out of my 8 and
7 year olds respectively so I guess it was funny, but more than being risqué
it is an accurate estimation of the self conscious inadequacy that girls (and
boys) for that matter go through during this miserable transitional period in
life. It was moments like this that made you understand that Bendinger and Quaintance
worked hard to make this movie a keeper.
By
way of introducing Aqua to the concept of love they single out an 18 year old
lifeguard who has long been the subject of their pre-pub ponderings. Incidentally
Aqua grows legs when she dries off her tail and so they put their heads together
over some teen magazines and bat around the finer points of attracting this smoldering
specimen of human hunkitude, though he’s a bit out Claire and Haileys bracket,
he’s mer-made to order for the nicely developed Aqua. Overall the elements
of such teen fantasy are well in order. Claire and Hailey are the model of wholesome
all-American loyalty, and Aqua the prototype princess for their vicarious passage
into these rites that await them in the not too distant future. How does it all
turn out in the happily ever after department? Interestingly enough it is just
original and inspired enough for me to keep my old lips sealed. Because Aquamarine
didn’t take itself in the least bit seriously while at the same time delivering
the goods for the target audience - complete with a nice little life lesson about
the true meaning of loyalty, I’m going to push my chips in.. The film knew
exactly what it was about and never strayed from those boundaries. Y’know
for a movie about a mermaid. Ergo Aquamarine gets a true blue thumbs up. I got
my wish, and I think my boobs even grew a little bit.
