Into
the Blue is definitely titled correctly, as the entire film is basically blue
- everywhere you look there is nothing but endless blueness. If you've got any
sort of problem with the color blue - this film is not for you. Quite surprisingly
the film manages to rise above C level (I’m giving it a C+) mainly because
I went in thinking "Jesus - I'm a better actor than Paul Walker, but as it
turns out he's underwater during like half the movie. He can't talk when he's
underwater, and I've never minded his swimming. Plus you figure this is basically
a film about an underwater booty hunt - and right away they show you the booty
- it's about halfway down the back of Jessica Alba's body - and a dandy at that.
Plus y'got sharks.Good ole sharks - C+ right there.
Into
the Blue gets high marks for it’s stunning cinematography - not only that
but the shots of the scenery were't half bad either. Into The Blue is shot in
the sumptuous Bahamas (which is latin for two lesbians groping at sunset). Between
all the technically naked hotties and the beautiful blue skies and seas you could
just about charge people to see this thing without Jessica Alba or Paul Walker
even having to talk. True Alba is more gifted than Walker, but we're still talking
about swimming. Jessie's had a busy year what with the fantastic Sin City and
the remarkably unfantastic Fantastic Four - and bless her heart she does her share
of exposing here - still it just doesn't live up to my pubescent memories of Jacqueline
Bissett's mammaries, in The Deep. Huh? y'with me? This was back when movie were
rated M for boobs. I think that’s what the film makers were shooting for
here, but let's face it - boobs aren't what they used to be - there was no "Girls
Gone Wild when I was coming up through the minors. Boobs were more precious than
any box full of pirates trinkets in them days.
As
for Walker he proves once again that he is an attractive man with a pleasing physique
who can talk, but beyond that the gaffer could act circles around him. Scott Caan
(son of James) on the other hand I, like. He pretty much carries the film. The
acorn didn’t fall too far from the tree - he’s the real deal. About
a year ago he wrote, directed and starred in a film called Dallas 362 check it
out - he's good. In any case he proves to be the catalyst and certainly the most
interesting character in this film - and even takes on a shark with a dinky little
deck mop. Now that's a man. He managed to keep me from becoming hypnotized by
the Blue Scenery and Alba’s Oscar-worthy buttocks.
Since
nothing even resembling conflict or an antagonist so much as stirs a dorsal fin
in the first 45 minutes of the film, Caan’s charm is the only thing that
even diverts your attention from the beautiful tanned people making out on sand,
sea or surf - which might not have bothered someone who paid to see HBO’s
spring break special, but for those of us who were eventually hoping for some
sort of story line, Caan was about it. Alas a bit of a story does finally surface
causing something to thicken besides the reproductive organs of the male movie
goer - namely a plot..Which hurts the film because that's when Walker and Alba
emerege and start to say things, Betraying any notion that the ability to swim
relates in any way to the ability to act.
The
deal is Walker and Alba run a modest little treasure exploring outfit, but mostly
they just hang around and screw alot. But make no mistake this doesn’t make
Walker interesting in a way like say the reluctant alcoholic that Nick Nolte played
in The Deep (a film that Into The Blue borrows from heavily toward the end.) I
think to make Paul Walker interesting you’d have to find the Da Vinci Code
rolled up in a tiny scroll up his ass. And as bland an actress as Alba is, a similarly
hidden scroll in her poop deck would warrant buying the DVD. In any case on one
of their little excursions they happen onto a sunken aircraft full of cocaine,
which comes as an exciting development for Caan and his slutty coke-head companion
- which provides the film with it's first bit of real conflict - as Walker and
Alba favor reporting the find to the authorities and continue their legit search
which is suddenly showing promise - as they discover evidence of a famous shipwreck
they’ve been hunting for some time.
Once
above water a debate rages between the fantastic four as to whether they should
grab the blow and split the take, or do the law-abiding thing and continue the
search for the historical vessel. Well when moral crossroads are breached, all
hell tends to break loose, and it finally does in a mostly predictable fashion,
as Josh Brolin shows up as a drug lord who misses his nose candy and let’s
not forget the sharks. These are angry sharks woriking for scale, who end up taking
a bite out of crime. Again I expected worse and came away mildly entertained,
which isn’t to say I’ve arrived at the correct opinion. Why they released
this film on the brink of winter instead of the hot and nasty dog days of summer
I'll never understand. Then again I've long since given up trying to figure out
what goes on behind the scenes of tinsel town.
