The
most frightening thing about Alone In The Dark is that it somehow managed to get
a theatrical release. Had this film been a made-for-video affair, like so many
mediocre horror films of late, I might have cut it a little bit of slack. Just
imagine the horror, if you will, of those poor mislead souls who paid 9 bucks
admission and grabbed another 7 dollars worth of soda and popcorn, when they learned
they’d invested this much in a film that features Tara Reid as an Archeologist/Museum
curator. I thought it was a stretch when she was called upon to portray a Pussycat!
I’m
sorry - I’ll try to give this film a fair review, but I’m not making
any promises. The film begins with a scrolled explanation that sets the film up
- interestingly the exposition is also narrated - I’m guessing for the benefit
of those who may not be able to read it through their tears. What we learn here
is that once upon a time eons ago, lived a highly intelligent race of native Americans
called the Akbani who believed that reality consisted of two levels: the reality
that takes place during the light of day and a sinister reality that exists as
a counterpart that thrives in darkness. The Akbani couldn’t leave well enough
alone and managed to concoct a portal into the world of darkness and before they
were able to seal off this hideous world something evil and nasty slipped through.
Unfortunately it’s not Hellboy.
Beyond
the horrifying casting choice mentioned above the film is also based on a video
game and is directed by the monstrously inept Uwe Boll (House of the Dead). Oh
well maybe this will be one of those bad films that realizes that it’s bad
and has fun with itself. No such luck. It’s all deadly serious and just plain
deadly. We also learn that 22 years prior to the events of the film, a sadistic
scientist named Professor Hudgens (Mathew Walker) broke ranks with a governmental
paranormal investigative agency - referred to simply as 713, after the whole Akbani
investigation was scrapped. Within the privacy of an abandoned Gold Mine the bad
Prof continued his grim research with the Akbani monsters, by using a group of
20 orphaned youngsters. Hudgens experimented with fusing these ancient creatures
with the kids, but the experiment was foiled when one of the kids was able to
escape before his metamorphosis.
Cut
to the present where the escaped child has grown up and turned into Christian
Slater (clearly his participation in this film is connected to the conditions
of his parole) or perhaps because the script calls for him to have sex with Tara
Reid, who’s to say? Slater is also an expatriate member of 713, who evidently
defected because of his contentious relationship with the current head of 713,
Commander Richards (Stephen Dorff). The films main plot revolves around Hudgens
ongoing efforts to locate a handful of golden Akbani artifacts, hidden at the
far ends of the earth, that collectively, it is believed, will allow him to re-open
the portal and complete his fiendish designs.
As
the film opens we find Slater set to land in Washington DC, in possession of one
of these artifacts, Once in the airports’ terminal, Hudgens gives the order
to a bald operative to confiscate the artifact and kill Slater. So we begin with
a rather lengthy car chase and a mono y mono fight, where we learn that Hudgens
henchmen have supernatural physical powers and are exceedingly difficult to kill.
We also notice that Slater has a little more going for him than your average bear.
Meanwhile Hudgens has just discovered a sunken vessel that contains a large gold
box. The greedy crew of the recovery vessel subdue the Professor and foolishly
open the golden box loosing the films chief monsters - the selfsame monsters the
Akbani had long ago dispatched into the world known as Xenons. The Xenons are
alien looking beasts, (kind of a more mechanical version of the monsters that
Hellboy was pitted against.)
When
the Xenons are liberated the 19 surviving members of Hudgens’s original experiments,
(all of whom had been leading normal lives) suddenly wander away from whatever
they were doing and begin walking toward Hudgens new research facility - the place
that Tara Reid works as a curator. With all hell having officially broken loose
you might imagine that things would be awfully spooky, the truth is however is
that things are pretty much just awful. Alone in the Dark is so tedious, muddled
and dull that I found myself analyzing things that had nothing to do with the
film. Things like “why on earth did Carson Daly marry Tara Reid. What a ho.”
I found myself trying to decide if there was anything attractive about Reid at
all. Comparing sides of her face (one side, for example makes her appear passably
attractive - while the other made her look impossibly homely.) I also found myself
making predictions as to which fat security guard would be the first to suffer
the grisly fate of the Xenons. How do you spell Xenon, I wondered? Realizing that
I would eventually have to write about them and hence spell them.
I
really don’t see any point in spoiling any of the rest of this gem, suffice
to say that at no time did I experience even the faintest flicker of fear, nor
did I care how the film would end or whether any of these crappy actors would
survive. Toward the end Slater, Dorff and Reid locate the famous portal, but before
they could open it in an effort, one would guess, to lure the Xenons back in and
slam shut the door, Hudgens meets them there, with the other part of the portals’
key. His plans for opening the portal we guess would be to allow all of the nasty
Xenons out for whatever dastardly reason. I will reveal that the portal is indeed
opened and what happens beyond that I dare not reveal for fear of being labeled
a spoiler. I will reveal however that this is one of the most ludicrous, poorly
executed horror/sci-fi flick I’ve had the misfortune to see in some time,
and blabitty bla bla . . .
