Well, you’ve had the introduction by our supreme leader Paul Heath, giving you fans the gist on what we know so far from the sure to be star-studded event that is Comic Con 2013. Yes, I’m the other half (the shiny headed one above) venturing on the trip of a lifetime to San Diego, California, mingling amongst the crowded isles of the down town convention centre. I’ve been trusted by the boss’ other half to accompany Paul and assure he makes it to his hotel each night in one-piece. He’s known to struggle to find his way home and can often be found on the streets of London looking like a well-tailored hobo in a Nisa doorway or finding shelter in awkward situations on Hampstead Heath. Confusion in the address caused by the obvious namesake. Apparently the ladies and the lads are sure to stay away with an overweight bald Geordie fuck-wit alongside to prop him up after a few bevvies. I’ve also promised I’ll go nowhere near his arsehole either, despite sharing the same room. He’s not my type or sex but if anything happens we can always blame the booze.
Speaking of Booze, as promised will be that special edition of our celebrated podcast which will see us giving our thoughts on early proceedings, and one in which I’ll be making my debut. Subtitles can be found on Ceefax page number 888 or failing that, we’re hoping we can flash enough cash to temp an overdub by the eccentric commentator Stuart Hall. For some reason his fee has recently hit an all-time low so fingers crossed he’s not too busy. Anyways, dig into this little feature to see some of the titles we hope will be showcased and promoted during the epic five day event.
Steven Spielberg announces he’ll final get back into the water with JAWS 5: THE REVENGE OF THE REVENGE. Michael Caine is back reprising his acclaimed role from the 1987 epic third sequel! Lorraine Gary has declined a return and instead will be replaced by Oscar-winning sexpot Jennifer Lawrence as Caine’s terrorised lover with a fear of fin. Dennis Quaid is also on the verge of a return to the franchise after the surge in 3D sales. Spielberg claims to have been inspired by pal George Lucas’ sci-fi prequels but has struggled to get a hold of Roy Scheider for a cameo appearance. “Unfortunately, Roy’s not answering his phone. Anyway, he was shit in that PUNISHER film. F**k him“, the Oscar-winning director says.
Speaking of Lucas, he’s confirmed he’s been taking the piss and there won’t be a J.J. Abrams-directed STAR WARS: EPISODE VII. Instead he’ll direct STAR WARS: EPISODE 0.5. The plot reveals Jar Jar Binks was responsible for some sort of supernatural dump before THE PHANTOM MENACE, in turn giving birth to Midichlorians. It’s up to the returning Liam Neeson as Qui Gon Chinny Chin Gin and his particular set of skills to find them and kill them after selling his daughter to a slimline Jabba’s sex-slave ring. Also, we’re promised more intergalactic space treaty bollocks, as well as a first look a footage already secretly shot, in what the other famous beard describes as, “Just as shite as the last three I made“. We’re stoked!
Okay, in all seriousness, here’s what we really wanna see, although leaving out the Marvel trio of CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER, THOR: THE DARK WORLD, and GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY which are surely a given, and of course the return on Marc Webb’s THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2…
Yes, while those of us born in the bygone era were left in a distraught state after Lucas’ poor prequels, we’re still excited for more sci-fi shenanigans with STAR WARS: EPISODE VII. Simply because we know it can’t be as crap as his previous trio. With J.J. Abrams at the helm, we’re hoping of a full cast announcement as well as few official plot details from Disney and LucasFilm. Pre-production in the UK is already underway for a shooting schedule slated for January 2014.
Despite some negative press about a number of production problems, we’re still intrigued about Jose Padhila’s ROBOCOP reboot. The impressive cast, which includes Michael Keaton, Gary Oldman, Abbie Cornish, Samuel L. Jackson and Joel Kinnaman as the metallic title character, suggests we could have a unique and very different spin on the 80s ultra-violent classic. Perhaps Padhila and cast will make an appearance to impress us with footage. Still, from the look of the resigned suit, they should have lost the arm!
More comic-book hijinks will come in the form of foul-mouthed action-comedy sequel KICK-ASS 2, which sees the return of the green-suited superhero (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) and his ‘cunt’-bellowing sidekick Hit Girl (Chloe Grace Moretz). Jeff Wadlow, who took over Matthew Vaughn in the director chair, is sure to make an appearance with a number of his cast. However, following recent controversial comments coming from Jim Carrey, don’t expect the funny man to show up.
Given it’s graphic-novel origins, we’d love to see 2 GUNS superstars Mark Wahlberg and Denzel Washington give us the lowdown on the action-comedy crime thriller. CONTRABAND director Baltasar Kormákur brings the Boom! Studio’s story by Steven Grant to the big-screen centering on a DEA agent and an undercover Naval Intelligence officer who, while investigating one another for stealing drug money, find they have been set up by the mob.
Fans of Neill Blomkamp’s political sci-fi thriller DISTRICT 9 will be eager to see if he and stars Matt Damon, Jodie Foster and Sharlto Copley make an appearance to promote their futuristic epic ELYSIUM. The stunning sci-fi actioner has one of the most original concepts this year and the footage so far suggests another knockout classic could be assured from the South African filmmaker. Damon’s the man on a mission to bring two polarised worlds together after finding he’s terminally ill and his only hope is the man-made luxurious space station high in the outer atmosphere.
It may have just seen its released pushed back almost a year, but we’d love to get a first look at footage from Robert Rodriguez and Frank Millar’s star-studded SIN CITY prequel, A DAME TO KILL FOR. The film will see a host of the original cast brought back, such as Bruce Willis, Jessica Alba and Mickey Rourke, along with newcomers including Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Eva Green, Jermey Piven and Josh Brolin. It’s again set in the sleazy and slick Basin City and fingers crossed they’ll all be there!
Speaking of Brolin, he leads the US remake of Chan-Wook Park’s controversial revenge-thriller OLDBOY and again, given the original comic-book roots of the international Korean hit could feature at the Con. Spike Lee was the man tasked to give the bleak tale a refreshing spin and early word is he’s pulled off the impossible and made a gripping retread that may even surpass the infamous conclusion of Park’s dark effort. The film also stars Sharlto Copley and if he’s also on EYLSIUM duty, expect him to join in.
The brilliant Brit Gareth Edwards (MONSTERS) in currently shooting his big-budget blockbuster GODZILLA for Warner Bros. and Legendary Pictures and we’re hoping for a first peek at the towering colossal creature born from a nuclear contamination. Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Elizabeth Olsen (also featuring in the OLDBOY remake) lead the fightback from mankind as the Japanese-inspired massive monster leaves a destructive path in his wake.
The final season of Showtime’s hit serial-killer drama arrives in the US on Sunday and after appearing at Comic Con for a number of years, this is the first time a season has begun before the event. We hope the likes of Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter will appear and gave faithful fans a final farewell and offer some insight into the conflicted character’s troubled psyche and just what could be in store for everyone’s favourite human butcher come the bloody conclusion.
Have we missed off some of your favourites? Give us your thoughts on who you will be hoping to see!
The San Diego Comic Con runs from July 17th-21st and will be covered in its entirety here on The Hollywood News.