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Ridiculous Rewrite: Paul Ross’ Oscar Predictions

Paul Ross

With the nominations for this year’s Academy Awards due any moment now, the world awaits the reaction of Paul Ross. The elder brother of Jonathan and Diana has been quiet of late regarding his thoughts on the world of film. But there was a time, a very strange, enchanted time when he would give astonishing quotes telling of his love for a new cinematic release. These may, MAY have been merely so he could get on the poster, but we can’t be certain. Here are some examples, see what you think…

THE SCORPION KING (2002)
My favourite action film of all time… spectacular… glorious… brilliant.

50 FIRST DATES (2004)
There’s something for everyone in this near-perfect date flick.

ALFIE (2004)
With a career best from Jude Law and an embarrassment of belting birds, this plays a blinder in every position.

PLANET OF THE APES (2001)
Tim Roth deserves an Oscar for his performance as General Thade.

PEARL HARBOUR (2001)
It’s fantastic – everything a big budget blockbuster should be and then some. More gripping than Gladiator, more tear-jerking than Titanic and, unlike a lot of recent historical epics, honest and accurate. So this is the must-see movie of the summer. And what a movie!… It’s the kind of film David Lean would have been proud of – an event movie you’ve simply got to see. It’s sensational.

…and my personal favorite…

STAR WARS – EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES.
Start celebrating! This inter-galactic masterpiece boldly goes where no sci-fi film has gone before. Nothing – not the trailers, not the previous Star Wars movies, not even your own imagination in hyper-drive – can prepare you for the sheer scale of this superb spectacle. It also sees Ewan McGregor claim the role of Obi-Wan Kenobi as his own. He is, and I never thought I’d write this sentence, even better than Sir Alec Guinness.

 

BETTER. THAN. SIR ALEC GUINNESS.

I promise you these are all absolutely true. And here’s a list of films upon which he bestowed 5 Stars. I kid you not;

THE CAT IN THE HAT (2003)
THE LAST SAMURAI (2003)
BULLET PROOF MONK (2003)
PETER PAN (2003)
VAN HELSING (2004)

Alas, we have heard very little of his critical musings this year. But here’s what he might be thinking…

 

THAT’S MY BOY
Adam Sandler once again proves why he’s the KING OF COMEDY! Gross-out, knockabout, say it out loud… THAT’S MY BOY! FIVE STARS!!

BATTLESHIP
Wow! Incredible special effects will convince you that giant ships really can take to the sea and that Rihanna, eh?… PHWOAR!! Eh, lads? PHWOAR!!!!! Eh? Two words sum up Rihanna’s performance: Oscar. This Battleship will not go down, but the film WILL go down in history as the greatest movie of all time. FIVE STARS!!

RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION
Milla Jojovich deserves an Oscar nomination for her now legendary role of Alice. The Academy has ignored her year after year but surely 2013 will be the time that Jojovich’s performance is recognized for what it it; better than anything Meryl Streep has ever done or could ever do. Even in her imagination. FIVE STARS!!

TOTAL RECALL
‘If I’m not me, then who the Hell am I?’ says Colin Farrell. I’ll tell you, Colin. You are ten times better than any actor who has ever lived. And this film is without a doubt, ten times better than any film anyone has ever seen. FIVE STARS!!!!!!

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN – PART 2
I can’t wait to sink my teeth into all the tasty birds in this INCREDIBLE movie. More spectacular than STAR WARS. More epic than LAWRENCE OF ARABIA. And Kristen Stewart as Bella is SO compelling that she will A) definitely win an Oscar B) definitely make you cry tears of unbridled wonder and joy and C) change the way we look at acting, define acting, she may even change the dictionary definition of the word ‘acting.’ The new meaning? Three simple words. Kristen. Stewart’s. Face. This film is everything you could want; not just from cinema, but from life. Astonishing. FIVE STARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE OOGILOVES IN BIG BALLOON ADVENTURE
Astounding. I sang along, at the top of my lungs throughout the entire 88 minute running time. I only wish it was longer. Toni Braxton deserves an Oscar for her performance as Rosalie Rosebud. Quite simply the greatest work of art since prehistoric man picked up a paintbrush. FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

That is pure guess work. If you’re out there, Paul, let us know what you really think.

Stay tuned to THN for all the Academy Award nominations. Let’s see if Paul was right.

Source: Movie Film Review

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John is a gentleman, a scholar, he’s an acrobat. He is one half of the comedy duo Good Ol’ JR, and considers himself a comedy writer/performer. This view has been questioned by others. He graduated with First Class Honours in Media Arts/Film & TV, a fact he will remain smug about long after everyone has stopped caring. He enjoys movies, theatre, live comedy and writing with the JR member and hetero life partner Ryan. Some of their sketches can be seen on YouTube and YOU can take their total hits to way over 17!

3 Comments

  1. Craig Hunter

    January 10, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    If some cat shat in his hat he’d give it five stars, pointing out the masterpiece curled out by the little furry fucker! He is an original that’s for sure. An original bell-end

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