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Ridiculous Rewrite: JGL And Scarlett Johansson Create Vortex With Sexiness

Joseph Gordon Levitt and Scarlett Johansson exchange a look that is so erotically charged, it forms a vortex between them that sucks in all non-sexy life in the cosmos, it has been revealed.

*Incidentally, this is a spoof article and in no way reflects genuine plot points. But that’s just between us*

THN can exclusively reveal a still from JGL’s directorial debut, DON JON’S ADDICTION, a biopic of MIAMI VICE actor, Don Johnson. Scarlett Johansson plays Johnson’s VICE co-star Philip Michael Thomas, and above we see the moment the two theatrical legends met for the first time. Studio executives were keen to cast Johansson as Thomas, who is in actuality a black male. However, it was felt that an attractive white female would look better on the posters, and they could crowbar in some fucking.

In this moment, Johnson and Thomas lock eyes across a crowded 1980s bar and slowly move towards each other, genitals first. The gaze shared between the two is so sexually charged that a vortex is formed which sucks in all known non-sexy life from the cosmos, leaving only our two heroes, Julianne Moore (who co-stars) Geroge Clooney (who doesn’t), Kimberley from Girls Aloud, a mountain range that looks like a pair of tits and a lady’s handbag which resembles a scrotum. Or ‘ballbag.’

This may all be a lie. For a look at what DON JON’S ADDICTION may actually be about, click here.

DON JON is written and directed by Joseph Gordon Levitt who also stars alongside Scarlett Johansson, Julianne Moore, Brie Larson and real life 1980s stalwarts  Glenne Headly and Tony Danza. Honestly.

It will be debuting at Sundance this year. Vortex or not.

Source: First Showing

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John is a gentleman, a scholar, he’s an acrobat. He is one half of the comedy duo Good Ol’ JR, and considers himself a comedy writer/performer. This view has been questioned by others. He graduated with First Class Honours in Media Arts/Film & TV, a fact he will remain smug about long after everyone has stopped caring. He enjoys movies, theatre, live comedy and writing with the JR member and hetero life partner Ryan. Some of their sketches can be seen on YouTube and YOU can take their total hits to way over 17!

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