Superpowers affect people in different ways. When Susan Storm was gifted the power of invisibility she formed the FANTASTIC FOUR, while Kevin Bacon immediately started raping ladies in HOLLOW MAN. But how did the Mum from E.T. react? Crying in the nude, mostly. This is INVISIBLE MOM, where Dee Wallace Stone embraced her future as Poundland DVD Queen.
When Josh’s scientist dad – played by a homeless man’s Rick Moranis – invents an invisibility potion, the youngster plans to use it to get revenge on a bully. But uh oh, his mum drinks the potion by mistake! God, mum, you’re so embarrassing! The 1996 straight-to-video classic entered my life after calling my name from a bargain bin, seducing me with this stylish cover:
Does Stone use her new found power to clean the house and carry bags with her feet? It would have made a better film. Josh’s mum is freaking out over this invisibility lark and refuses to leave the house. We might be witnessing a woman’s downward spiral into depression, but are treated with one of cinema’s greatest lines: ‘Sorry isn’t good enough when mom is invisible!’
Truly a lesson for us all there, though at least she thinks of the consequences. After inventing a DNA-altering potion in like, 30 minutes, Josh’s creepy dad immediately feeds it to the family dog. Yeah, it works, but what you don’t see is the dog shedding invisible fur and pissing invisible blood. The hound does get to strut his stuff in some freaky BDSM gear though. Woof!
The creepiest thing about INVISIBLE MOM however, is this bitch wandering around in the nude in front of her child. When she isn’t donning a disguise with the subtlety of a house brick to the face, she’s just letting it all hang out. Seriously, check this look inspired by Darth Vader’s spa weekend and Michael Jackson’s autopsy:
Yeah, that’s hot, but these invisible titties? Day-umm!
Pretty much the only naked fun she has is helping Josh get back at the bully. When the kid turns up at Josh’s house, mum takes the opportunity to… make him slap himself repeatedly. Kevin Bacon deems this the behaviour of a total pussy; he’d be feeling up his sleeping co-workers’ boobs by now!
A naked woman physically restraining an underage boy? This wouldn’t wash in a post-Savile world! Even worse, Josh goes to high five his invisible mum without thinking about the potentially soul-destroying consequences… he might miss and slap her tit!
The film attempts an actual plot when an evil scientist steals the formula for himself. Naturally, Dr. Dad opts to bring his pre-teen son to stop the guy, rather than his literally invisible wife, who can literally enter the building without being seen by literally anyone. The two morons are immediately caught and Josh is sent to an orphanage. There’s a plot hole in there somewhere, if only I could find it…
Later, mum makes her way to the lab and blows her cover after a few seconds. Mum, you’re so lame! God! She ends up trapped in a wooden crate, weeping endlessly. I don’t remember what happens after that. She probably escapes and saves the day, but maybe she’s forced into invisible sex trafficking. Who’s to say?
INVISIBLE MOM spawned a sequel and a baffling spin-off… INVISIBLE DAD! Essentially an identical plot but with any scientific explanations replaced with a magic wishing machine, INVISIBLE DAD tops the original movie’s dialogue with my all-time favourite line: ‘I’m his parent! I’m TRANS-PARENT!’
This makes me think he’s got both sets of sex organs more than anything. The only thing better (read: worse) than INVISIBLE DAD is the film’s marketing. Check this DVD cover:
At no point in the movie does the dad go to the funfair. He doesn’t eat a hot dog. He doesn’t wear glasses. That’s not even his son from the film! Why’s he with that kid? I guess someone took the Kevin Bacon approach to invisibility after all.