Director: Lawrence Kasanoff

Cast: Charlie Sheen, Hilary Duff, Eva Longoria, Christopher Lloyd

Running time: 87 mins

Certificate: PG

It’s always difficult to review a film that has target audience at least 20-years younger than you, forcing you to put yourself in their teeny weeny shoes and think about whether they would enjoy it, as opposed to a whether a 23-year-old horror fan enjoys it. But in this case I refuse to patronise them. FOODFIGHT! is by far the crappiest piece of crap I have ever had the misfortune to watch. My eyes hurt, my ears hurts, and my soul hurts. But most of all, I hurt for the children. The poor, poor children.

The plot is lame enough. After lights out in a local supermarket, the whole store inexplicably turns into a tiny city, with all the well known marketing characters springing into life. A bit like TOY STORY, but absolutely nothing like TOY STORY. In the opening sequence we are treated to a sickeningly catchy piece of pop garbage that you will no doubt be whistling for weeks until you have no choice but to do yourself in. In addition to this there’s a frog wearing a crown that farts and falls over, a few bald, ninja hamsters and a dog dressed as Indiana Jones. It feels like the visual equivalent of a mental breakdown.

Speaking of mental breakdowns, let’s look at the cast, shall we. Tired old Charlie Sheen plays Dex Dogtective, who, along with flying stunt squirrel, Daredevil Dan (Wayne Brady) and the creepily named Sunshine Goodness (Hilary Duff, obviously), take on the evil Lady X, voiced by Eva Longoria. Looks like the acting well is running pretty dry after DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. Christopher Lloyd’s also in it, but he’s always been a bit nutty.

The whole thing is terribly reminiscent of an old PlayStation game, although it makes ‘Crash Bandicoot’ look like it was directed by James Cameron. In simpler terms, the animation is absolutely shocking. In these times of Pixar and Dreamworks and what not, it’s baffling that someone has given it the thumbs up and set it loose on the public.

But I suppose if your child is at the age where all it needs are colours and shapes to keep it happily drooling for an hour and a half, by all means plonk it in front of the television and pour your self a brandy. Actually that’s terrible parenting advice. Don’t do that. Maybe something lighter like a gin and tonic instead.

 FOODFIGHT! is available on DVD 29th October.