Welcome back to our comprehensive compendium of Bond movie titles. Yesterday we saw Connery’s first five flicks (have a butcher’s here). Next up, George Lazenby is ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE. A very good name indeed, so I’m sure the man and the movie will do it justice. Right? ………………………………………………Right?
ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE
(1969) dir. Peter R. Hunt
Uh Oh…
Does It Sound Like A Bond Film:
Definitively yes. While it lacks the impact of the previous two, ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE implies a world of espionage, politics and subterfuge as well as invoking a feeling of national pride. So it conjures up that ethereal sense of what it is to be James Bond, without having to rely on a variant of the word ‘Death,’ which so many do. It’s probably my favourite title. Mmm-hmm.
Does It Get A Song:
Yes and no and yes and no. It gets a theme tune called ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service,’ but it’s an instrumental, so doesn’t mention the movie title. But you know what? It matters not a jot, as it is one badass piece of music. Starting off with a dirty synth, most unlike anything we’ve heard in the Bond canon thus far, it is joined by a familiar brass section and swells to be the most exciting titular theme we’ve had. Plus, the film gets a BONUS song, and what’s more, it’s only bloody Louis Armstrong singing ‘We Have All The Time In The World!’ It plays just after the shocking denouement and gives us the most emotionally affecting ending of the entire series. It is such a beautiful song and works so well out of context that people often forget that it’s a Bond song. Which it is, and don’t you forget it.
Get your hankies out.
Does It Make Sense:
Probably more so than any other title. It describes the man and what he does, quite simply and most effectively. It says bugger all about the story, but how many of them really do? Top drawer.
Alternative Titles:
On Her Majesty’s Secreting Cervix
The One With That Bloke That No-one Remembers
Carry On Up Her Majesty
DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER
(1971) dir. Guy Hamilton
Connery returns for his last official appearance as 007, in probably the funniest Bond film ever. Intentionally funny, too!
Does It Sound Like A Bond Film:
Yeah, more or less. Like GOLDFINGER before it, the reference to something precious and high class summons images of the high end, exotic world that Bond inhabits.
Does It Get A Song:
It sure as shit does, with Shirley shaking and shrieking in her second theme song. The spiritual sequel to Marilyn Monroe’s ‘Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend’, it explains the hollow love one possesses for those sparkly bad boys and how they’re preferable to love and, in fact, men. It also features some surprisingly overt sexuality, as she sings:
“Diamonds are forever.
Hold one up and then caress it.
Touch it, stroke it and undress it.”
You know, like you would a person doing sex. Or a willy. With a foreskin.
With Bassey’s vocals and John Barry’s brass, its one of the definitive Bond songs.
Does It Make Sense:
Well, as much as any of them do, I suppose. The eponymous diamonds are the McGuffin of the piece, so it’s relevent to the plot, at least. The narrative of the film is completely different to that of the novel (which doesn’t feature Blofeld at all), but they both involve diamonds, so it still works. One could argue that it refers to the fact that both Bond and the villanious Blofeld keep changing, as the antagonist has been played by three very different actors in the last three films. Where as Diamonds… They’re forever. You could argue that, but I’m buggered if I know why.
Alternative Titles:
Diamontes Are From Argos
The Outrageous Adventures of Wint & Kidd
A Funny Thing Happened When I Was Walking My Rat
LIVE AND LET DIE
(1973) dir. Guy Hamilton
They’re doing a Blaxpoitation Bond. Who better to star in it than Roger Moore?
Does It Sound Like A Bond Film:
Oh Hell to the Yizzah. This is the second of the seven titles to refer to living and/or dying, and it’s the best of the bunch. Obviously it’s a corruption of the phrase ‘live and let live’, but now that phrase seems odd, like this movie title came first. And its cooler, isn’t it? Yes. The answer is yes.
Does It Get A Song:
Wings! To quote Alan Partridge; ‘The band The Beatles could have been.’ As the film was a cash-in on the Blaxpoitation hits of the time, you would think they would have gotten a theme to match, some Shaft-esque guitar and strings with ‘Superfly’ Curtis Mayfield doing vocals. That would have been great fun BUT it just so happens that ‘Live and Let Die’ by Wings is the most dramatic and exciting theme song the franchise has ever had. And despite what your hair metal mate says, it’s much better than the Guns N Roses cover. Wings, man! WINGS!!
Does It Make Sense:
It totally does. Not only does it sound cool, but it connotes a lot. First off, it refers Voodoo villain Baron Samedi, who gets killed twice and comes back to life both times. He lives while others die. And that’s one more than Bond, who only lives twice. Secondly, it is 007’s way of life. He kills people and always lives to fight (or die) another day. To live and let die is his modus operandi. Also, as this is ‘Captain Eyebrow’ Roger Moore’s first outing as the gentleman spy, it could refer to his constant rebirth. Other heroes die, disappear, but Bond will be born again and live forever. Or until the money runs out. SKYFALL was a close call to screwing up my theories in that respect, as the money nearly did run out, almost burying my argument. Still though, Daniel Craig, eh? Phwoar.
Alternative Titles:
Bond Meets Some African Americans For The First Time
Pimps, Hustlers and Voodoo Priests: The Lives Of Brothers
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN
(1974) dir. Guy Hamilton
Dracula has a third nipple, we meet that midget who was in that show that nobody under 40 has seen, and there’s a gun of some description.
Does It Sound Like A Bond Film:
Sure does. It features the word ‘Gun’ and as 007’s weapon is one of the key pieces of iconography for the character and the franchise, the man and the word are intertwined. It’s also the second of the three titles to refer to gold, and the third film to refer specifically to the antagonist. It doesn’t mention his name, which gives him a mystique, and adds to his legend. Also, it’s a lethal sounding title, foreboding for our hero. Nameless, faceless, known only as the million dollar hit man who requires but one bullet. He is the Man With The Golden Gun. Also, he has a third nip. And he’s Dracula.
Does It Get A Song:
Yep, probably the silliest of the lot. Check the lyrics;
“If you wanna get rid of someone,
The Man With The Golden Gun
Will get it done.
He’ll shoot anyone.
With his golden gun.”
Yes, thank you, Lulu. To its credit though, it relates to the plot more than any other theme tune. The whole song is telling us everything we need to know about the chap with the yellowish pistol.
Mind you, she also says that;
‘Love is required
When ever he’s hired.
It comes just before the kill.’
That’s gotta be in the small print, hasn’t it? It’s not enough you’re giving him a million quid, you’ve gotta shag the bastard too? And when she says ‘It comes just before the kill’, it makes one think that Scaramanga enjoys his job a bit too much. She then goes on to sing;
‘His eye may be
On you or me.
Who will he bang?
We shall see.’
That scamp.
Does It Make Sense:
Very much so. Like DR NO and GOLDFINGER, it relates to a character which cannot really be taken out of context, unlike most other Bond movie names which are abstract and could mean anything.
Alternative Titles:
The Guy With The Yellowish Pistol
The Gentleman With The Jaundiced Looking Weapon
The Lad With The Lemony Luger
Some Cunt With A Canary Coloured Cannon
That last one was suggested by Moore himself. True story.
The JAMES BOND Movie Titles Rundown WILL RETURN tomorrow with a look at THE SPY WHO LOVED ME, MOONRAKER, FOR YOUR EYES ONLY and OCTOPUSSY. Will there be jokes about eight vaginas? As Lulu would say, ‘Weeeeeeee shaaaaaaaaall seeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!’
The answer is yes.
For your eyes only, the entire rundown of Bond Titles is here. Positively shocking.
